Tall Towers |
It’s been three months since my heart shattered into a million and one pieces. It’s been three months since I thought my whole world was ending with one phone call. It’s been three months since I realized I deserved better even if I didn’t want it. I didn’t think it would still hurt when I looked at our pictures or heard your name. I didn’t think I would still feel like breaking when I thought of you with someone else. I also didn’t know I would be this strong three months later. For a while every minute of everyday I was hurting. Eventually it got to the point where it only hurt when I was alone. Now it only hurts when I think about it too much. Eventually I think it won’t hurt at all. When that day comes, remember that you are strong as hell. This could have broken you but instead it made you soar.
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So it happened, my first real heartbreak. I never understood what people meant when they said their heart physically hurt. Now I do. I know what it feels like to have to excuse yourself from dinner because you can’t hold back the tears. I know what it feels like to go to work when you feel like you can’t breathe. I know what it feels like to silently cry on your closet floor. Most of all I now know how to get up off the floor when I thought I would die there, curled in a ball.
I knew it was coming, I don’t know if that made it better or worse. I saw the signs. Let me tell you, it still hurt like hell and made me feel like absolute garbage. Everyone kept asking why I was so sad. “You broke up with him, isn’t this what you wanted?” Even though I knew it was the right thing and I was the one who did it, doesn’t mean it was any easier. I want to remember this time though as crazy as that seems. I am realizing how much I learned through this experience and I don’t want to forget that for my future in a relationship/s. What did I learn?
I thought I loved that boy at 19. I turned 21 and thought I had met the man of my dreams. But, baby at 23 I met you and I thought I’ve never know how being deeply in love with someone feels. As I move on I realize I still may not know what love feels like or how it looks. I’ll find out someday and when I do I’ll thank those boys that got me here. To where I’m supposed to be, with the man that will never leave or make me feel hard to love.
-An excerpt from a mending heart As we all get older, move away, and continue with out lives I want all my friends to know one thing, I will always be there for them. Even if we haven't talked in a long time I will never stop caring for them and wanting to help them. I love social media for the sole purpose of being able to see all the adventures my friends are going on as they live their lives. I am so happy for friends that are engaged, and getting ready to marry the loves of their lives. My friends who have graduated college or are working to do so. My friends who are doing what makes them happy. I will forever cherish our friendships and the way it has impacted my life. Friends forever and always.
I was looking back at some of my old post and realized I write about heartbreak and how much guys suck a lot. I am going to try not to do that as much anymore. The thing is yeah, some guys absolutely suck but that is because they are people and we all make mistakes. I'm not saying go and trust every guy that comes your way, but maybe don't be so quick to judge. Someday we will all meet the person we are meant to be with, the person who makes it hard to breath, the person who sweeps us off our feet while also keeping us grounded. Until that day comes, I want to make sure that I give people a fighting chance into my life, and actually try to get to know people before I right them off for a self- righteous jerk. This goes for everyone. I want to make more friends and be there for everyone I get the honor of meeting. I can make a different can that difference is going to start with me.
, We have been in lock down for a while now. I know this has been a hard time for so many, for me it has been the biggest blessing. I have been surrounded by family for longer than I have been in years. I have had the opportunity to save money while living at home again. My dad is helping me with the final math classes I need to complete before graduating college in July. I have grown closer to my mom as she shares advice that I am finally ready to hear. We have used the time to focus on our health. I have lost weight for the first time in a long time. I have quit eating sugar, flour, most things processed and pretty much anything that could harm me. I have spent many days outside soaking up the suns that I have longed for while living in the frozen tundra. I have been able to read everyday falling in love with every book I pick up. I have listened to music and found so much joy within the lyrics. I have been practicing piano and getting better, very, very slowly. I have built things with my hands. Constructed things with screws, nails, wood, and drills. Something I have not done in a very long time.
So as I look at my time on lock down I realize how truly blessed I am. I know this comes from my loving Heavenly Father above. He is always looking out for me and making sure I feel loved. Tonight as I sit in bed working on homework I have been putting off I am so overwhelmed by the feeling of love I am surrounded by. I was working on a region paper for a class assignment. It was over chapters in Alma about the people who are at war and suffering. I realized that we are going through something so similar to these people. We are suffering just as they did, and that means we can learn from their experiences. I felt a love for the Book of Mormon I don't know that I have felt before. I am so thankful for this book of recording that we can learn from so that we do not have to go through the same path of suffering that the people before us did. I don't know who is praying for me tonight or if God just knew I needed some extra love but I am thankful. As I hold back tears I cannot wait to hug my Heavenly Father, to kiss His feet, and to touch the scars on my brothers hands and feet. To rejoice and to praise my God and my Savior for the eternities. The knowledge of the love that They have for me is my greatest possession and what I hold closest to me. "His blue eyes had more darkness than any brown eyes I had ever seen before." You could see the pain he felt just by seeing the lack of twinkle that was there.
He put his broad hands around her ribs, tenderly but firmly enough that her breath caught from the excitement. .
I was talking on the phone with my dad the other day. I was telling him all the fun things my roommates and I have been doing lately. He was with my favorite uncle, Uncle Ben. They were both laughing at how my college experience has been totally different than theirs and probably different than half the people I graduated high school with.
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"Her soul is a kaleidoscope.
Bursting with every shade and hue, but shift your gaze ever so slightly And she's something entirely new." - e.h. ![]() Between every two pines is a doorway to a new world. - John Muir
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June 2023
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