Tall Towers |
So this is hard. Part of me never wanted to write this. To be honest this post is going to be a little depressing, and for me, writing it is going to suck. So why would I write this? Closure, moving on, working through my feelings? I'm not really sure, I just know I need to write it. When I was 14 I met a boy and oh how I loved this boy. At the time he was dating another girl, a girl I was close friends with. Awful, right? Because he was dating one of my friends I vowed never to act on my feelings, even if they broke up. At the time a break up between these two seemed nearly impossible. I thought it would never happen. So I never even thought dating him, falling more deeply in love with him, etc., would be an issue, until it was. Pause... We are going to call this boy, Trevor, my friend, Grace, my brother, Bryce, my two best friends, Lacy, and Lizzie, my cousin Viki, and my cousin Bailey. Trevor lived over two hours away. Grace lived about half an hour away, but came to town very often. We all went to the same church, that's how we met. We would all get together at youth activities about once a month. We were all great friends. Viki and Bailey both lived two hours in the opposite direction of Trevor. Resume...
I never thought I could fall in love with someone I wasn't in a relationship with, but every time I would hang out with Trevor and Grace, I fell deeper and deeper. At the time I blew it off, that I always hoped he would be somewhere when she was, or secretly hoped when I invited her he would come too. I told myself it was just because we all had so much fun together, he was funny, she was funny, they fed off each other, making it a blast to hang out with them. When I was disappointed when he didn't show up somewhere I told myself it was because I I had heard a funny joke that they would both find funny. Not because I had recently had my hair done and my makeup was on point. I mean, you can't be in love with someone you're not even dating. Right? I was wrong. The summer before my junior year of high school, they broke up. But I had made a pact with myself that I didn't plan on breaking. He would call and face time me often after they broke up. We talked constantly but we were "just friends". We saw each other at church camp that summer. I posted a friendly picture with him. So innocent. Grace told some of our friends she was mad I had seen him and was still friends with him. When I asked her she said she was happy we were still friends. They were still friends. "Why shouldn't we be?" she said. So I stupidly believed her. I continued to be friends with him. One Saturday morning I woke up to my phone ringing, it was him. He said he was on his way to my house, my brother, him, and I were going to spend the day together. We had the most fun day. We went antique shopping, to the farmers market, had a picnic, listened to Trevor play ukulele, got frozen yogurt, and ended the perfect day in the hot tub. After this we became nearly inseparable. We would visit each other every chance we got, all the while we were still "just friends" despite my parents, and friends questioning (I'm really transparent when I like someone or in this case loved someone). One weekend he came to a dance with me at my cousins church out of town. This weekend was doubling as my friends birthday weekend. I drove and my friend Lizzie, Lacy, and Trevor all rode along. We had such a blast. Jamming to a mix cd I had made and listening to Trevor play the ukulele and sing to us. My cousin, Viki, that we were visiting knew I liked Trevor but also knew I would never act on it. When we got to the dance she flirted with Trevor all night, while me and Trevor were dancing, playing games, like eating an apple off a string together (weird game, but super fun), and laughing all night long. There she was, with us, flirting his ear off. Early in the night Trevor told me he was going to marry Lizzie. That he thought she was gorgeous and he was going to make her fall in love with him. This hurt, but I never let it show. It was never going to happen anyways. Lizzie knew I liked him even when I said I didn't, she wasn't going to do that. The next day we all went to church, I told Viki that I needed to sit by Trevor, it was going to be a hard day. I was saying goodbye to my cousin for the next two years. (He was going on a mission for church). When he got up to talk to people he knew, she moved seats so that he would be on the end and would have to sit by her. RUDE. That afternoon when we all went to my cousin Bailey's house, Trevor had fallen for Viki's charm. He brought her outside and sang to her all afternoon, they cuddled in the grass, and I had to act like nothing was happening. I cried the entire two hour ride back home that afternoon. I put sunglasses on hoping no one would notice. They didn't. The next week, I was having no contact with my cousin Viki. It just hurt too much to hear her talk about him. Then it came out that Lizzie had went on a date with Trevor the night we came home from my cousin's. They were still in contact, texting, and snap chatting constantly. She told me it was just to keep tabs on him and Viki. I believed her. I called Trevor that night, told him that me and Viki were fighting, and it was about him. He had no idea I liked him until now. He was sorry and asked if we were still good. I told him it wasn't his fault. Nothing changed between us, except for he didn't have as much free time to spend with me, because he was with her. They eventually broke up, and all was well again. Fast forward to Senior year I had told myself I was over him, we were better off as friends, we had talked about it. Convinced ourselves it wasn't worth risking our friendship. Literally the next day, my brother, Bryce, tells me that Trevor had told him that as soon as we both got home from our missions that we planned to serve that he wanted to give us a try, and not just give us a try but that he wanted to be ready to marry me. WOW. great. I instantly became un-over him. I couldn't even talk to him about it because he had told Bryce in private and I wasn't supposed to know. Soon after he left on his mission and then I Ieft on mine about a year later. We were supposed to come home about the same time. Me a few months after him. I ended up getting home about 4 months before him because of an illness that forced me to come home early. We emailed and kept in touch the whole time we were both gone. I sent him packages consisting of t shirts, candy, and mix cds. I knew we weren't anything official. We were still "just friends". But there was hope. He came home and I was there to welcome him home at the airport. We started talking everyday just like we used to. He asked if we could make a trip to Houston together for some church stuff. He came and spent the night before so we could get up early and head out the next day. That night we drove around looking at Christmas lights, and talked for hours. We watched a movie and like I had always dreamed, he kissed me. He had me now. This was no longer a crush from when I was in high school. It wasn't a fantasy I had dreamed up. I was head over heels in love with this boy. There was no going back now. We ended up talking, kissing, and laughing until my parents got up for the day. We got about an hour of sleep before getting up to drive to Houston. We did some church stuff, went and ate at this great place, got his haircut, went to a fun little market, and then drove home. We kissed again before he left. It was everything I had ever hoped for. My brother went home with him that night. Bryce told me when he got back, that Trevor had spent all evening when they were together talking to other girls. Calling them and singing to them. Bryce didn't know what had happened with me and Trevor so he didn't understand why I was hurt and I wouldn't tell him. I didn't want this to come between the two of them. They had been best friends for as long as we had. I didn't want to ruin that. Trevor began talking to Lizzie again. My heart had officially broken. He chose her over me... again. Just like he would always chose someone else over me. He had pretty much stopped talking to me. He had other girls to worry about. When I called to ask him what had happened he said he just wasn't ready to commit to anything yet. It wasn't the right time. I had heard that one before. From more than just him. We both left for our separate colleges. We talked every now and then. Tried to get things back to normal, though they never really got there. He got a girlfriend right after getting to school. They broke up and he got another one. He got engaged to her two days ago. Maybe that's what made me write this. I've been over him for a while now. I've dated other guys, felt I had really moved past him and I, and yet when I saw that he was engaged my heart pulled a little. I'm happy for him. I hope all works out. I mean that with every part of my being. I'm glad things didn't work out for us. I deserve someone who doesn't chose other girls over me, and he deserves someone who makes him not want to chose anyone else. And that's the story of how my heart broke. The tab next to this has a song that he used to sing to me. He would replace my name with the girls name in the song. Listen to it. It will give you a little more insight into the story.
1 Comment
Maddie
2/28/2018 10:29:18 pm
let your heart break again and again until you get it right.
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"Her soul is a kaleidoscope.
Bursting with every shade and hue, but shift your gaze ever so slightly And she's something entirely new." - e.h. ![]() Between every two pines is a doorway to a new world. - John Muir
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